my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
