you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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