so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
