I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
