thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There r osticjed everywhere
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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