She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
