Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
