I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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