phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When did angry sex become our thing?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
