I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
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I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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