we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
