I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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