dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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