Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
