my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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