It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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