yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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