The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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