I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
