I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
