The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
