It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.