Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."