I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night