The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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