My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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