I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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