My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
