She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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