Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
