What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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