ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
