Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!