Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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