Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize