Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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