i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
