sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
