Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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