Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
