LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need to calm my uterus...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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