who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Your mouth is God's brothel.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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