high people should be assigned attendants
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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