I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
