I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize