I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
