I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
