Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
