The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
