I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
