Someone shit on the floor
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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