So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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