If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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