Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
now i know why i became what i already was.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.