I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
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The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in