Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.