He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
