Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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