Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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