paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
