I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We left the knife in your bed.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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