the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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