I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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