Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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