There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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