you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
