I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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