Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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